issues, questions & solutions
“Well, what did you expect?!”
“We’re expecting…!” (now, fill in the blanks!?!)
“We NEVER expected this!!”
By the way, we are NOT expecting! Nor are any of our children, as far as we know! This is simply an illustration. Let’s begin with a simple exercise. Read over those three sentences out loud a few times alternating your tone, attitude and volume. What insights do you gain? Studies have shown that 71% of global workers return from the field prematurely for preventable reasons. Many of those reason have to do with expectations, unrealistic, unfulfilled or unspoken.
We realized at a recent reentry debriefing for global workers, called ABIDE at TRAIN International (www.traininternational.org ) in Joplin, MO, that for returning workers, one of the major issues they must deal with is the expectations of parents. On a home assignment or when returning from the field for an extended period of time, how many days will the returning worker get to (be able to, have to) spend, physically present with both sets of parents? Let’s stop and take stock of our expectations. Think about your own expectations, real or imagined. Maybe you are a worker preparing for departure for the field or recently arrived on the field, or 2 years in. It could be you are on the care team of a sending org/church. Or, you might be a parent of a global worker that needs to think through the expectations placed on your child or grandchild. In our debriefings we note that all of these “webs of expectations” go both ways! Simply think of the question: What are my expectations of others? What are the expectations others have of me?
Consider the power of expectations. In a section titled “The Anatomy of Healthy Expectations” we begin the session with an Anne Lamott quote: “Expectations are resentments waiting to happen. Under promise and overdeliver. Rinse and repeat.” Or start here, as Gail Martin said, “Do what you promised. Keep your word. Exceed expectations.” In any case, do not underestimate the power of good communication and clear understanding for all involved.
One exercise both parties can walk through is what we call:
Checklist For Healthy Expectations: (shared with permission, Train International)
- Has the expectation been clarified/identified? Is it realistic? Unrealistic expectations, unexpressed, are a set up for anger! Does it fit the person’s capacity, skill set, or training? Can it fit the allotted time frame? Is it appropriate? [ ] legally? [ ] morally/ethically? [ ] relationally/contractually?
- Has it been communicated? [ ] verbalized? [ ] written?
- Has it been understood? [ ] Do both parties understand the terms? [ ] Do both understand the timeline?
- Has the expectation been negotiated? Has there been permission and space for discussion/dialogue so that the needs and circumstances of both parties are considered?
- Has it been agreed upon? [ ] Who is doing the action? [ ] What is being done? [ ] By when?
Please note: If there is an expectation, but it is unspoken, then it is a wish! If it has been spoken, but not agreed upon, then it is a demand! Additionally, whether we are talking about parents of global workers, senders or those sent, whether working as a team or a couple in any relationship, make certain you revisit expectations to see if they still hold true or still need to be negotiated.
Before we leave this topic, let’s add two more thoughts:
Go talk to the other person. A common, “preventable” reason cited for missionaries leaving the field is conflict with other missionaries. There’s a reason for this. They’re all sinners, just like you. You can expect friction and disagreement on the field. So, while you likely cannot “prevent” conflict, you have a Christian responsibility to work to resolve it. Conflict will be a great opportunity for you to apply Matthew chapters 5 and 18 to your life. It will also take courage. (#5 of 12 Axioms for Young Missionaries by Warren Johnson https://www.alifeoverseas.com/)
Make certain you are present when you have opportunity to spend time together with others. We love this quote from Gary Smalley: “Your children need your presence more than your presents!” The gift of being “with” someone is so valuable in this world of distractions and interruptions. Let’s make every effort to be fully present in the moment! You never know who is watching and learning from your life as you model the Christ!
These ideas are intended to get the discussion started. How have these thoughts been helpful (or not) in dealing with expectations you are discovering in yourself or others? May the Father bless us as we pay attention to expectations and consistently watch Him work!
